Hi friends.
It’s been a while, huh?
Such is the life of a writer: here today, self-doubting her creativity tomorrow.
But really, that isn’t the truth this time.
See, this time my radio (or internet, as it is) silence was because in beginning, the process of finally writing this memoir—with the notes, journals, and 8 years of notebooks I kept over this time frame—was what I thought I was supposed to do.
Even today, when friends find out (rather belatedly) that Paul died 7.5 years ago, (yes, it’s impossible to believe it’s been that recent and that long ago at the same time to me as well), the first thing they ask about is how, why, and all the particulars. It seemed like my job as a wife, writer, and co-pilot witnessing his slow destruction from cancer was set in stone. I was be the one recording it all for the sake of legacy and purposes of posterity.
I took it seriously. I had the skill and the front-row seat. I had the lived experience and the lens to shape it. And after quitting my classroom teaching job, I had what seemed like the time to finally do it.
Except it wasn’t for me. That part of my life is so far in the past that dredging it up requires significant energy and focus which robs me of energy for my present. Ideas came easily at the start, but the longer I wrote and deeper I went into what I thought was the “story”, the more it became evident that this was not the place where I am supposed to be spending the next several years of my life.
(Non-writers think that when they read a tidy story or a neat book that it just comes out in one fell swoop like a candy bar from a vending machine. Don’t we writers wish! A piece of writing with the depth and meaning necessary to carry an idea into what we consider a story requires days, months, and years of intentional, unwavering commitment on the part of the writer.)
So I’ve set it aside. Note I did not say quit, or given up. The time, place, and space to write the full memoir may come down the road, but immersing myself in the present is how I’m choosing to spend my time.
These days, I’m writing, recording, and producing guided meditations. I’m adding a new, meaningful teaching experience to my resume soon. I’m re-opening my free Thursday night meditation for sleep class soon to my OG (guinea pig) friends as I work my way toward my 500 hour meditation teaching certification. And I’m stepping away from what I thought was the story for me to tell to continue to live the one I’m still writing.
I’ll still be around here sharing thoughts and some of the things I’m working on. Just less death and more life…a good way to transition from summer into fall, I think.
Enjoy these last hours of August and be sure to dive headfirst into September. I am. Hope to see you there :)
Beth